Brad Warthen is Donkey Kong

Surely you remember the barrel throwing monkey of the early '80s? If not, here's a refresher.

According to Wikipedia:

In the original Donkey Kong game, the player's character, Mario (originally called Jumpman in Japan), must jump over barrels thrown by Donkey Kong while climbing ladders up a crooked construction site to reach the top of the screen to rescue his girlfriend Pauline (who was originally called Lady in Japan).

While we know it's a dangerous thing to get into an argument with someone who buys ink by the barrel, it should be pointed out that Warthen's power emanates more from throwing barrels of ink than any skill as a stylist, logician, or communicator. When you've got that many eyeballs, you're a powerful man, no matter how bad your politics or prose. (Really, I'm jealous.)

Where were we? Oh yes. In this case, Warthen's Pauline/Lady/Damsel-in-Distress is Ken Clark. Ken Clark is a RINO who opposes real tax reform (cuts), opposes parental choice and control and opportunities for kids, and just plain opposes Governor Sanford and his efforts to rein in state government and give South Carolina back to the Sandlappers.

Brad Warthen must rescue Ken Clark! Must hurl barrels of ink at offensive, pro-taxpayer candidates! Gaaaahhh!

Clark opponent Kit Spires has offended Brad Warthen Donkey Kong by supporting a parent's right to pick schools and a taxpayer's right not-to-get-soaked.

Thus, he has brought down a reign of terror and parade of barrels upon his head.

Who will win? The barrel-hurling monkey and his anti-taxpayer minion? Or the entrepreneur from Pelion, SC? Smart men aren't placing any bets.

This will be an excellent test of Warthen's primate powers. Some men walk softly and carry a big stick. Brad Warthen pounds his furry chest and lets forth a mighty jungle yell as he goes to war with the taxpayer.

To each his own, I guess.

Brad Warthen: Moral Idiot

In his latest column, Brad Warthen compares vetoing a pork-filled budget (thereby attempting to save taxpayer money) with dropping tons of explosives on innocent civilians (thereby incinerating them to death):

FACED WITH global terrorism, the United States, in keeping with its values, drops smart bombs — doing as much as advanced technology will allow to kill mass murderers, and not the noncombatants they hide among.

Straining at a gnat of his own invention, Gov. Mark Sanford — in keeping with his values — drops the Big One on all of South Carolina.

Seriously, Brad, I think this makes you the moral inferior of Ann Coulter. And that's saying something awful.

A Basic Grammar Error in The State

On Thursday, Aaron Gould Sheinin writes:

But that’s not even the real fireworks.

In English, the plural object "fireworks" would call for the to-be verb are and the demonstrative those. Written correctly, the sentence reads:

But those aren't even the real fireworks.

Some might accuse ol' Mr. Smith of nitpicking and being overly critical here. Maybe they're right. Maybe I should focus on substance. What if I were to point out that the "chaos" that "reigned" in the Republican primary lasted somewhat less than 72 hours?

That's some insightful reporting there, Mr. Sheinin.

When Facts and Spin Collide

The State has a curious approach to facts.

Fact: Governor Sanford won his primary election by a 2-to-1 margin.

Post and Courier Headline: Sanford Beats Challenger in Republican Race

The State headline: 'A Stunning Blow' for Sanford

In Bizarro World, the State is an Objective newspaper

Look here if you don't get the headline.

The State has an interesting idea of what it means to be objective:

But experts say the practice — known as crossover voting — doesn’t happen. And it’s not likely to happen this year, either, even with four- and five-wide GOP contests for treasurer and superintendent of education.

There’s just something about crossing that line.

“Most of the speculation of people crossing over is malarkey,” said Don Fowler, a political science professor at the University of South Carolina and former Democratic National Committee chairman. “I cannot name you one example — from county council to president of the United States — where it has made any difference.

“Party people just don’t do that. ... It’s political folklore.”

I don't suppose Professor Fowler has any dog in this fight, thus making him a good, objective source.

Lies, Hypocrisy, and Foolishness (primary election edition)

I think that Brad Warthen would be smarter if he got a lobotomy. Seriously, what sort of twisted-pretzel logic do you need to come up with a column as dumb as this?

Maybe surgically removing part of Brad's brain is the only way to get him to think straight. Surely, he couldn't do any worse.

On Sunday, Brad Warthen personally endorsed Bob Staton. It's not bad enough that America's Worst Newspaper went for this guy; Brad had to take his own column space to give the guy a double endorsement. One can only assume that he's babysitting Staton's kids and waxing his car this weekend as well. Anything to help the campaign.

Of course Warthen supports Staton for Secretary of Education: Staton's a Democrat. He's consistently supported expanding the bureaucracy, growing spending, and avoiding reform while the kids in South Carolina schools continue to fall further behind the rest of the nation and the world.

Running a Democrat in a Republican primary is sleazy, dishonest, and un-American. (Americans believe in fair play.) Now here's the part where Brad proves he's silly, not evil.

The only way that running the Democrat Staton in the Republican race can work is if Republicans don't realize that Staton is a Democrat.

But Brad Warthen freely admits that Staton is a Democrat. That's why he encourages Independents and Democrats—not simply Republicans—to participate in the Republican primary.

Can Brad see the problem here? Probably not. His vision's not too good. So I'm going to write in big letters.

The Republican party is organized so that REPUBLICANS can decide on THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE for THE REPUBLICAN line on the ballot.

If you would like to elect a Democrat then, by all means, vote for Jim Rex in November. But registering for a party you don't belong to is, ahem, crashing a party. It's rude. It's dishonest. It's crooked. And in many states it's illegal.

In South Carolina, our party is run on the honor system; there's no bouncer at the door.

If fools and hooligans like Brad Warthen keep trying to mess things ups, we may have to relinquish our honor system and fall back on a law. Wouldn't that be a shame?

An "F" in Journalism 101

No one could possibly understand the drama surrounding the continuing attempts of politicians to limit free speech (AKA "campaign finance reform") from reading this trainwreck of an article written in The State.

This is one of the worst examples of "He said, she said" reporting that I've ever seen. I would fail a 6th grader for submitting this; I really would.

The substance of the lawsuit is confined to two, one-sentence paragraphs that appear at the end of the article. That's pathetic. Those paragraphs belong near the top, you know, where people might actually read them.

Meanwhile, there's room for a quote from political spinmeister Terry Sullivan who obviously has not actually read the lawsuit. So he just spins it:

Terry Sullivan, a political consultant working for Cotty’s campaign, said SCRG is “playing games.”

“What do they have to hide?” Sullivan said.

Thanks for the insight, Terry.

Seriously, what sort of pathetic excuse for journalism is this? If you're going to advertise for Bill Cotty, at least sell him the space so you can get some revenue out of it. This sort of "reporting" is just silly.